This week Tanya and I have been reflecting on what we learned during 2018 and I'm so glad we did. We came up with 21 valuable nuggets, each with deep meaning I never want to forget. As I sat in a beach chair brainstorming each one, two sisters ran up to me, looking over my shoulder saying 'Whoooaaah! That's a LOT of ink, WHAT are you WRITING about?' We laughed, but the truth is, if we don't know why we had wins or losses, we might not fully bag up the gold we just panned from the river through hard experience. Here are the top 12 lessons learned:10. I Blame Shame: A new mentor, author, Brene Brown uncovered my eyes to how shame silently and violently impacts us (me) and all those around us. Shame, protecting one's emotional exposure to possibly being hurt, and the automatic triggers which lead to putting walls up are crouching all around us. In meetings, in relationships, in my job, family, and marriage. Yet, there are ways to combat shame, namely: me leading with thoughtful vulnerability, taking risks, cultivating resilience in myself and in others, practicing gratitude, increasing a sense in others of belonging, and practicing self-compassion (talk to yourself like a loving friend, and help others do this too.)
9. Scarcity vs. Abundance. Two deeply varying views of life, often of the same set of conditions. One of 'not enough', one of 'enough.' One based in fear and self-preservation, one based in trust and being loved. Much of ministry, relationships, and life waver between these two poles. The Lord has been inviting me to trust HIS abundance, HE is enough, and he is able, and can be trusted.
8. Was I faithful? At Creekside, as camp speaker for 350 middle school kids for three weeks, Ernie Merino and I would always meet and process after each 'talk' I gave. We landed on a key, first question each time: "Was I faithful?" There are always ways to improve and to acknowledge that went well, yet, in serving God, the 'was I faithful' seems to be primary and allows all other evaluations to be secondary, lighter, and outside feeling related to our identity.
7. How a hyper guy can hyper-focus. I have a track record of gobbling up to-do lists, getting back quickly to people and getting 'ish done, yet also, putting off the 'more important' work due to a struggle to do heavy lifting of hard yet critical work. My life coach Randy Trettevik helped me discover that I AM good at blocking out time to get heavy lifting work done. I schedule 1-2 hour blocks of time (time blocking) and ONLY focus on that. It has been a confidence booster!
6. Plan well, pray well. Speaking of ADHD, I have always struggled with prayer and time with God. I am SO easily distracted. So when I FINALLY carve out time to be with God to pray, reflect, journal...and then don't have a plan for how to use the time I carved out...my brain spins like a hamster wheel. I learned this year to decide ahead of time how the time can be used. On my weekly (written) action list or google calendar, I type in what my soul/mind craves. Sometimes its been to lament about some loss in my life, or make a 'thankful' list, or review a previous journal entry, journal about my dad, or pray for each area and staff in our YL region. This helps me SO much to be able to enter in and make the fullest use of time set aside for solitude.
5. Power, Race and Privilege. This was a year where I learned more about how race, voice, power and inequity that exists all around me. I see more clearly how systems in our world, country, and yes, even in Young Life, are set up to help those in power continue to be so. I know there are many factors to consider, many of which I do not fully grasp. As I explore how this relates to leadership for many Latinos in Central WA, I can see how the ability to express their influence and voice is muted because of views of them being merely viewed implicitly as "orchard and farm workers", rather than called, deeply, gifted leaders, fully worthy of being trusted to lead communities and areas. I've been learning ways to empower, re-adjust and create financial systems in YL to make room for diverse voices to lead us. Yet, without fixing on my own, but collaborating. I am far from figuring out how our slice of the Kingdom of God is to operate more equitable for all ethnicities, females and socio-economic levels, but I'm learning! The counter to this I've been hearing is that a 'victimhood' culture is giving people a voice to grab at power from white people, mostly males, and disregards other issues like lawlessness and immigration. What's asked is: 'who is paying for people's quest for liberty and happiness?' Also, the fruit of faithfulness and how hard work paid off by people and their predecessors led them to success, and that its not right to disdain people for this. How can these two varying views reconcile? No idea! Yet I sense God's call towards 'togetherness' in the region I live where our leaders, staff and committee can represent the 50+% of the kids of color. I pray that in Young Life, His Kingdom come and be reflected, and his will be done for all kids and adults.
4. "Relax, don't do it." The Enneagram test results reveal that I am off the charts as a "7" and a "3." Which laymen terms means I'm living in joy, excitement, thinking ahead in terms of vision and next adventures. The healthy, relaxed pairing to this is to go to "5" which is investigating, losing myself in hobby, study, or activity. My problem is that I am 99% 7, but 96% a developed "3," which is the achiever who's live gravitates to get 'ish done as my go-to impulse. An Enneagram counselor, (John Evans) helped me see how urgent it is for me to eschew work to relax and lose myself in enjoyable things, and that is how my cup can be refilled and how that adds health to me and those around me.
3. Can I get a 'with-ness.' One of my commitments is to read the bible yet its easy to fall out of rhythm when its 'just me' reading. I found the blessedness of with-ness this year. Reading with a few friends added tremendous value and motivation. We used group texts, meeting in small groups and using the Marco Polo app in groups, sharing insights with each other. With-ness wins.
2. Goals just wanna have fun. I set some goals for the year and ran it by my friends Ryan I and Mike K. Both liked where I was going but commented that they were 'kinda blah.' Mike commented that they were 'nuts and boltsy,' wondering if I'd actually be motivated to do them, and inquired if they can be a little sexier. Sexy? I can do sexy! So I spruced up my goals and added flavor, flare, stretch and adventure. I typed these into my goal sheet & in the Notes app on my iPhone to keep track
-20 'Daddy Daughter and Doggie Dates' with Janna. Finished with 17/20.
-25 movies in the theater with Dietrich. (His favorite thing!) Finished with 25/25!
-16 Stand Up Paddleboard dates with Tanya. 12 lakes, 4 rivers. (Finished 9/12 and 4/4)
-50 solitudes w/ God. Listed all the best places, tracked where each time. Finished 45/50.
-Read 12 books. Finished 13/12! Most EVER in a year.
-104 work outs with Tanya, doing a 'check in' on our life (physical, emotional/mental, work, kids and relationships) each time. I didn't track it but it was our best year of connection...ever.
1. Connection wins. If you notice the goals set for the year, the BEST ones have to do with connection, not purely accomplishment. Each goal creates space and at bats for connection to take place. With family, self and God. I learned that goals towards connection were the best.What were your learning lessons and goals this year? I'd love to hear!
-Jeff-
Bonus: The 13 Books I read this year. Wanna talk about any of them?
Face to Face,Vol 3, Sharing God's Life. Marty Folsom.
Boys in The Boat. (about the UW rowing team in Nazi Germany) Daniel J. Brown.
The Road Back to You (Enneagram.) Ian Cron.
Leadership and Self-Deception. Arbinger Institute.
Good Faith. Gabe Lyons.
The Go-Giver. Burg & Mann.
Mentor Like Jesus. Regi Campbell
Right Color, Wrong Culture. Bryan Loritts
Daring Greatly. Brene Brown
White Awake. Daniel Hill.
Dare to Lead. Brene Brown
Disunity in Christ, Christena Cleveland (Duke U.)
Who Is This Man? John Ortberg
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