Why I Mysteriously Stopped Journaling

I was the guy that claimed that 'I don't do that journaling/dear diary stuff.' Perhaps because it felt unmanly or messed with my ADHD. Then, after both my kids were born, and I was given a journal at a Young Life conference in 2008, which jolted my journaling journey. 

I have at least 15 filled, bible reading journals saved from past times of reading and reflecting. Its my morning 'PBJ' (prayer bible journal, as my church 'Life Center' calls it.) 

AND, if you've ever actually seen me journaling, it is with a black Strathmore sketch book (no lines or I'll die!) or Moleskine book. I have filled 4 of those. These are my most precious life possessions. If a fire broke out in my house, sorry dogs and fancy stuff, I'm grabbing those journals. My life journey WITH God and outflow of my soul is in there. My best and most outrageous ideas are in there. My counseling sessions with Marty Folsom and inspired notes from vacations, conferences and solitudes are in there. Sometimes, when I break out my journal, some long time friends and former YL kids/leaders will make a 'aaaahhhh' sound if I break out the journal to pen something while we meet. Clearly, its my jammy jam.

In 2020, journaling has been my most solid place to hold tension, grapple with loss and fear, process racism and how sexual ethics relate to Christ-centered leadership yet also the mandate to love all people always. Journaling has been where my lamenting of pain takes place, the loss of my brother unfolds, where my messy feelings unleash amidst COVID and my kid's unfettered anxiety, and where I reground myself in gratitude to alter my outlook. So, why would I stop?

On September 20th, I was at Suncadia for my cancelled regional auction which repurposed into a great mini getaway. I sat out to pray and journal, staring at one of my favorite backdrops God has blessed me to see in Cle Elum (see pic to the left). I wrote out a prayer for strength in the coming season. I wrote prayers for my YL staff and kids by name. Then, God whispered to me something unexpected. "I want you to give up journaling." Do you ever hear God direct something to you and you immediately have the urge to pretend that you didn't just hear it? Or, rationalize and convince yourself that it was just your super ego or random thoughts that lead to threatening your comfort and control? That was ME in that moment. I noticed that I was trying to push away thoughts that were unmistakenly air-dropped into my mind, as from Jesus' iPhone. And the words were so weighty, that my shifty striving to scour myself of the stout statement further proved its holiness and the obvious address of the sender. 

I stopped my mental shiftiness and engaged with God in that moment, addressing the Holy Spirit: "Umm, why would I stop doing the ONE thing that is carrying me through this heavy season?" As I asked that question, I laughed out loud at the answer which seemingly flowed straight into my mind like Kona coffee through a perc filter as I even voiced my doubtful question. God answered me immediately, almost interrupting my question, "Listen to your question, there's the answer. Your journal has replaced me. Come to ME with your burden, with your heaviness, with your lament, with your requests, with your unresolved tension. You have come to write all that into your journal, set it down, and then move on, I want to carry all this with you, not for you to write it down and call it good."

Now, I recognize that I just quoted God. Honestly, I have retold this numerous times to close friends and am doing my damndest to reply what I received. Yes, I have been known to embellish a story or two. I honestly, faithully am sharing it as it came to me. 

Then, as I received this unexpected invitation by God to give up journaling, I dared to ask "When or how long do I give journaling up for? Like, now?" The answer, again, had me reasoning and doubting my own ability to get out of my Freudian, monkey brain space. I say this with humility and honesty. God said, "September 29th." I thought about trying to push that oddly specific reply away, concluding that I have clearly lost control of my mind. But, as I have learned to do when listening to God after asking him to speak...I just went with it and gave up journaling until further notice. 

Wanna hear something freaky? Of course you do. Tanya and I were having a delightful dinner with Mike and Lisa Fairburn in Spokane, dear friends, YL supporters and mentors of ours. As we shared, Lisa veered off the conversation and emphasized a point that caught my attention. She articulated how God has led her to pray every morning in her prayer closet as her first thing of the day, before coffee, before anything, and used the phrases 'I realized that I need to come to him with my burdens, tension, heaviness and requests, rather than leaning on anyone or anything else.' (Hint: there were the same words from God to me, inviting me deeper.) Stunned, I asked Tanya, 'hold on, what day is it?'  She said 'September 29th, why?' I laughed again, and had to explain to three confused dinner mates that God prompted me to give up journaling and lean deeper into him, on, yep, September 29th, so that He could reinforce his message through Lisa as she shared her deeper invitation into prayer. Is that freaky or is that holy?

Since discontinuing journaling, my prayer life has deepened like quads after months of heavy squats. I have found myself more free, honest and i get to what my soul is authentically longing for, rather than the rut I did not realize I had fallen into often in journaling of sometimes scratching with my soul didn't itch. Also, instead of journaling in the mornings, Tanya and I  have been reading together and verbally processing scripture and commentaries out loud, together. This is rare for us, yet has been among the most refreshing times of reading I can remember (even with Job, Hosea and Revelation that have been in the unfortunate reading plan lately.) 

What has God whispered to you? Have you brushed it away or received it? And if you're received it, have you obeyed the voice of God? "He who has my commands and obeys them, he/she is the one who loves me. And he/she who loves me is loved by my Father and I too will love them and show myself to them." John 14:21. Listen, obey, and let God lead the way, eh?