Our 'Laser Beam' God

What a week so far. It’s mid way through our first week, packed full of surprises. Most obviously, it’s been the hottest days of the past 2 decades. We have 7 nuns as adult guests. We have 6 campers or work crew who are children of significant people in my life from the past. Hot hot hot. Imagine welcoming 9 groups of busses spread out over 3 hours in 110 degree temps. That’s what we did. The work crew, program and speaker (Tanita) were champs as kids were welcoming into the best, and hottest, week of their lives. In the tail end of a pandemic after a year and a half of restrictions and separation. It’s epic to say the least. Three kids are here, originally from Colombia. Apparently they had their guard up, assuming they’d feel out of place. Their first stop was to get some ice cream where they were greeted by summer staffer, Aisha. Within the first words they connected in Spanish, realizing they were all native of the same South America country. The two campers told their leader, “okay! I feel safe and that I belong here.” That morning, Tanita (speaker) I led the whole camp staff (WC, SS, assigned team and property staff) in a message about putting Jesus at the center of our life, community and our serving here, and that we aim to create a strong sense of belonging for each other and campers who might feel left out. Tanita shared about how deeply that Generation Z longs for ‘safety’ and that although God doesn’t promise life will be safe, he is ultimately good in every way. As the Beaver said in Chronicles of Narnia of Aslan, the Christ figure, “Is he safe? No. But he is good.” Many kids came in to camp with their walls up and unsure if they’d feel safe and like they’d belong. The past year has heightened this with isolation from real conversations, division all around them, and a combination of a shaming, cancelling and judging culture seeking to conform people to overlording patterns of thought. When they arrived, our goal and prayer was for softened hearts and lowered walls in order that kids would experience the love of Jesus.

One girl I met turned out to be a daughter of one of Tanya’s and my first ever YL kids in Everett. I asked ‘*Evie’ about her parents and she shared that they were out of the picture and that she lives with her grandparents. My heart broke. Fast forward to that night. Our camp musician, Etu Vala, played a special music song with the line written for a girl, “your father didn’t say you’re beautiful, mother didn’t say I love you.” And the lyrics expressed the love of God for them. Then Tanita spoke directly to kids’ hearts about the things they use to try to fill their lives up, apart from God. She shared about the woman at the well, how she wanted life to the full, and Jesus looked past her rough story and into the possibilities she had ahead.

After club and cabin time, her leader Angela said that Evie felt that Etu’s song and Tanita’s message was like a ‘laser beam straight to her heart’ and that ‘something broke open inside her that never has before’. I asked Etu about that song he wrote and sang, he said he was praying just before club and felt God prompt him to change the song he planned to be that song. Friends, we have a laser beam focused God at work. *Evie is an alias.

Yellowstone vs Depression

Three times our family has attempted a trip to Yellowstone. Three times the plan was cancelled. Once because of the park closure due to COVID, and two times we called it off due to the miserable, dark clouds that covered Dietrich amidst his storm of depression. We could not imagine 16 hours in a car together with those tempestuous gusts and waves of sadness and misery. Depression is an unreasonable killjoy. The experience of awe and wonder of Yellowstone's vast beauty and thermal majesty is no match for the relentless brutality of raw depression. 

The Dogs and Dietrich Wait In the Car

As a family we had experienced almost complete freedom from Dietrich's depression since 2017, other than a few random geyser blasts of sadness and mud pot bubbling of powerlessness. We felt like it was time to go for it Memorial Day Weekend. We had been preparing meticulously for this 4th attempt at Yellowstone. I sent the kids postcards of bison herds, videos of geysers and glacier lakes and we aimed to empower through anticipation. Then we loaded up and headed out on i-90, and our nemesis emerged like an unexpected squall over the Sea of Galilee. The storm arose first with laborous breathing, convulsing pulsating cries followed by showers of tears. That nagging feeling of 'oh, no, not again, not NOW!' Flooded the minds of Tanya, Janna and I. At dinner in Missoula, he buried his head into his folded arms at the restaurant table, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling trapped and against his will to be on this trip. 

My mind, overwhelmed with anger, disappointment and feeling as though my dream family trip was being stolen before my eyes, defaulted to want to seize control of this storm and force my way and stop this. Yet, wisdom spoke inside Tanya and me with that Holy Spirit inspired, still-small-voice that reminded us that we had already learned this lesson. The words 'empower', 'enter in his darkness with him ', 'unconditionally love your son' and 'be with him in this' guided us along to not try to overpower and force our way against depression. We listened, prayed, went for a walk, played and laughed with our dogs we brought on the trip, told stories, and prayed again. And as it always, eventually does, the tempest subsided. Thankfully, depression never emerged again on this trip. That was all she wrote. We overcame our controlling, reactive emotional defaults and chose the better way we had learned. Why is it so hard to be overcome by emotional reactions in stormy moments rather than choose love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and self control? Ah, how beautiful and majestic is God's presence in the eye of storms. "Who is this that even the winds and the waves obey Him?" (Mark 4:41.)

According to Dr Marty Folsom, an expert in family systems therapy, overall spiritual/relational health,  masterfully defines depression as 'a sense of powerlessness to be or do what once wants to be or do.' Tanya and I learned from Dr Marty, while trudging through the valley of the shadow of death with Dietrich in his lowest times, that the way through depression was not attempting to control or overpower the one who suffers from it, but seeking to unconditionally love and empower that person. Even when the one who suffers seems to try to pull others into the darkness and chaos, the counter-intuitive approach is to enter into the dark clouds with them, sort through the irrational logic and betraying feelings together, and patiently seek the elusive rays of hope side by side.

Friends, though the clouds, downpours of rain and gale force winds of mental unhealth surround us, especially in this semi-Post-COVID season, remember that we are not alone. God is in the boat with us. He is able. Will you react in fear and anger, or call out to him? Will you jump ship and give up hope, or learn a deeper sense of trust in the One who has a 3rd way in storms, that actually informs how we navigate EVERY kind of storm in life. "We are hard pressed on every side, but but not crushed. We are perplexed, but not in despair. We are struck down but not destroyed...through suffering we share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be seen." Life and mental health can be hard, but with Jesus, we can do this. He is our living, active, able hope. 

Is it Jesus or the Devil Knocking At the Door?

It has been a year of zooms every week since our middle school kids have gathered in person for Wyldlife. That streak has ended last Monday, we met! All kids except for one agreed to meet up in our from yard for bocce ball, corn hole, pizza, highs and lows and prayer. It was magical; surreal even. During highs and lows, I joked to one quiet kid in the circle to unmute himself and share his screen. I think I confused him, but the others got my in person vs. zoom joke.

During the time we ask the kids how we can pray for them, each shared without having to think. Safety. Anxiety. One brave 7th grader who I’ll call Willie, courageously  asked for prayer for mental heath and against depression. The last kid, who is from a 'non-religious’ family, mustered rare courage to ask for prayer, pointing at Willie, adding, ‘yes, what he prayed for.’ My co-leader Kaeden prayed for each one, remembering all 8.

I took Willie and his bro home and the conversation led to them both wanting to read the Bible more. We agreed to read Philippians 2 together this week. Wylie lamented that he wants to, but always forgets and that he’s not good at remembering things, especially God. We talked through how to form a habit, and that the easiest way I know it 'habit stacking.’ That is to identify a habit you already have and add your new habit right after it, using a ‘cue’ to remember. He showers every night, and will now put his bible on the bathroom counter top as he starts the shower so when he’s done, he takes his bible to his room, and voila! Challenge accepted!

Fast forward to the next morning, last Tuesday. He texted me that at night, he woke up and sensed something evil, maybe the devil, in his room. He had a vision he needed help figuiring out. He explained it that his door was slightly cracked open with light shining into his room. He said he wasn’t sure if he should get up and open it, if that would that let the devil in. He asked what I thought.

    My prayerful response was to share 1John 1:5; "Jesus is light and in him is no darkness." 

 

    He responded, ‘so, maybe the devil was trying to keep me in darkness.’

 

    I agreed, adding Revelation 3:20, that "Jesus stands at our door and knocks, and that if we open the door to him, he will come in and do life together."

 

    He exclaimed, "so the light I saw outside my door represented JESUS. And i stayed in the darkness, that's why this felt evil. I have not been opening up to Jesus, but have been lazy and distracted, which is darkness, but Jesus is offering for me to open my door."

 

    “I think you got it figured out, broseph!”

 

    “Thanks Jeff, sorry to bother you at 7 in the morning.”

Friends, it is never a bother to help someone open their life’s door to God. It never gets old being up close, seeing Jesus pursue young people in ways they understand. This was a great reminder to me that God is always at work, always speaking, yet so is the voice of the accuser, cr

eating distractions and confusion. Could it be that our mission to introduce young people to Jesus is simply helping them to hear the Voice of God that has already, always been speaking to them before I ever even met them? I'm thinking most definately so. It’s not about us, but God delights to involve us in changing lives.

Prodigal Sons STILL Come Home!

I have a portrait of Rembrandt's "Return of the Prodigal Son" on the wall in my garage. It reminds me daily when I come home, that I need to daily 'come home' to God. As much as I think I have my stuff together, I depart from God daily in my thoughts, emotions, actions, lack of reliance, desire to be important and my self-protection to control life.

I was first inspired by this painting from the book bearing its' same name, by Henri Nouwen. It is my lifetime #1 favorite book. The painting hangs in the Hermitage museum in St Petersburg, Russia. In fact, I have seen it in person but had no idea the significance it would play in my life, helping me to see that I am both the lost son needing grace, the elder son needing to extend and receive grace, and am invited to become as the Father, extending grace.

Two weeks ago, I received a Facebook message that caught me off guard. Steve G, my very first YL 'kid' in 1998, who I met while doing contact work while coaching tennis, reached out to me after ghosting me over 12 years. In invested deeply in to Steve, he was one of my "3" on my discipleship tree. Right there among Casey Price, Brent Schwartz and Ernie Merino. Knowing I had invested SO much into him in HS, and losing touch all these years, I found myself like the elder son, yet wanting the heart of the father who ran to greet his lost son.

Steve and I talked for hours. He shared his journey; the successes of a thriving business, his new marriage (the elder son in me had been bitter I wasn't invited,) his daughter and second child they are expecting. Then he asked if I would baptize him. He wanted a fresh start with God. I have only baptized two people. Janna, and my Uncle George. I told him it would be such an honor. Then he asked if I had some direction I could give him on how to grow in his faith and catch up on all the lost, wasted time.

Of course, I busted out the fresh robe, the family ring and new shoes to try on. He needed to understand the grace God covers him with, his identity in Christ and new rhythms to begin walking in.

I recommended he read "Return of the Prodigal Son." Two days later, he replied, "Okay, I'm done. How did you know that would be SO perfect for me? Wow. So we unpacked it together. He went through the emotions of self-disgust for wasting so many years, yet came to terms that he wants to develop a father's heart, and asked me "how!"

Next, we began to look at how his life (and mine) can intersect with God more.  I summarized 20 years of learning into 30 minutes. Bro took notes! I shared of Spiritual Disciplines and life rhythms that could set him up to receive more of Jesus and lose more of self. I summarized 'The Life You've Always Wanted' book, pairing up spiritual disciplines with sins of commission or omission, so we are thoughtful of what we add or subtract when connecting with God. He loved it, and already has been taking solitudes to slow down, taking times of silence to listen, studying God's word to fill his mind with more, and taking weekly time to 'celebrate' and praise God to re-direct glory from self to God. 

I am finding that it is so amazing to see from the eyes of the father in the scene. To be the one welcoming, forgiving, restoring, clothing and fitting for new shoes to walk in. I know what its like to be on the other end of that story. Mentors, Tanya, friends, God...I have been welcomed back so many times when I drifted or wandered. What a joy to welcome back one of my "3." As I drive home this month, that picture will have a whole new meaning. 

Do you need to come home? Welcome others back? Seek those who are lost? Read Luke 15 all over again from the eyes of the father.

-Jeff Huber

Top 7 Take Aways From 2020

It is not a simple task to look back on a year that seemed to never end, constantly zigging and zagging, I most remember the pain, strain, tension and sleepless nights, yet it is shortsighted to factor out God's work. Was it pure joy when we faced trials in 2020, did the testing of our faith produce perseverance, leading to maturity? May God open the eyes of our hearts to see takeaways from 2020. This is my attempt to recap, I'd love to hear your too.

Top 7 Takeaways:

7. Anxiety Bites! 

My family and many close friends and colleagues (and my son) have been struck with anxiety, especially this year. A virus, jobs, uncertainty, sudden changes, unknowns have abounded. Fear can hijack our minds, and send the chemicals in our brain haywire. FEAR stands for, as my mentor Dr Marty says, 'Fantasy Experienced As Reality.' I'm learning that anxiety is a brutal thought process where outcomes have ME and MY understanding at the center of it, factoring out God and others. I do this more than I'd like to admit. We do seem to find greater wholeness when God is invited back in to express the reality that we are NOT the center of life, nor are we alone. It has been helpful for me to acknowledge that God is the one who initiates with me, and others, and that I have very gifted people around me to trust in. And for the havoc anxiety can wreak, therapy (i.e. TMS) might even help for capacity to get there. Time to bite anxiety back!

6. Family: Just Keep Skimming...

Our family can connect so much deeper than we have been. I had been settling for skimming. Too much disconnected co-existing with my family. The distraction of iPhones and apps, pulled me out of being 'present-to.' I aimed this year to be more present, and kept allowing myself to disengage. This year I am powerfully committing to leave my phone in another room when engaging in family times during evenings and weekend times. In fact, 156 times (3x a week.) My daughter will be off to college in 2 years. No better time to be present than the present.

5. Tension Headache. This year brought unprecedented levels of tension. Racial, political, LGBT+ inclusion in leadership, pandemic approaches (mask/no-mask, shut down all vs. choose for yourself.) Also, I was asked to be in a search process for a key leadership position for YL in the Former Soviet Union, which condensed my already thin brain space. I carried way too much pressure on myself. At one point, I changed my job title on my Facebook account this summer from Regional Director, to 'Chief Tension Holding Officer,' it felt accurate The takeaway verse this year is Colossians 1:17 "Jesus is before all things and in Him, all things hold together." Thank God its not all up to me. I learned to spend times in prayer where I lay out EVERY anxiety, let God search my thoughts, I release my tensions to Him and I end up freer! Thanks be to our able God who's arms are long enough and shoulders are wide enough.

 

4. Vision-Nearing. I've been learning that vision is best formed glacially, layer by layer, by praying, listening, gathering input and listening more. Then, consistently and creatively sharing it as an invitation to others to participate in. Discerning and launching our YL 'Move the Mountains' 5 year vision during a pandemic has been eye opening for how much input from staff has shaped it from what we started with. Also, how refreshing a forward moving vision has been for those eager to give beyond what I expectations and to be a valued part of it.

 

3. Opportunities abound! When options are limited, there is still much more we can control than we typically ever access. This year, the sense of control was stripped from us, but we were not left empty handed. Our family shed many tears over losses. Yet, this became a year of brainstorming ways to 'seize opportunities' even when it seemed overly-positive to do so. Spring Break was cancelled to Mexico, so we RV'd it to 4 remote destinations across WA and Idaho, taking epic pics. We were ordered to shelter in home, so we read, zoomed, raised puppies, watched more shows and movies together. Even in YL, we had to postpone our regional auction 4 times, yet did it virtually, and it worked. We learned to focus on what we CAN do. Brainstorms helped us get out of our scarcity mindsets. Four things we can personally control: 1. Thoughts  2. Actions. 3. Effort. 4. Attitude. We are never stuck because God is always on the move.

 

 2. Humilitea-Time. Where pride exists, blind spots abound. Blind spots are qualities and behaviors in our life we do not see (sometimes we ignore) that others see and are impacted by. It takes humility and emotional intelligence (EQ) to shrink our blind spots. Pride and fear keep us from humbly looking at them on a personal or corporate (church, business, in organizations) level. What came out in the open this year for injustice, historical factors that contribute to the psyche and socio-economics of people, related to old, unresolved blind spots in our culture and even how they have seeped into the church, and YL. The more power, comfort and privilege one has, the more resistance there is to consider looking at one's blind spots. As leaders and ministers of reconciliation, (2Cor 5) engaging in blind spot shrinkage could be our humble jam, recognizing and removing planks in our eyes. Yet, it is hard and seems futile and unfair. Yet,  humility in us can create a greater sense of flourishing and belonging for others around/under us. One of the best questions to ask others around us is: “What can I do more of or less of?” I asked this from staff from all levels during evaluations and the notes I took changed the way I have been leading, especially towards women (gender dynamics in leadership are real), those from poverty or traumatic stories, and staff of color. Want to shrink blind spots? Get some shrinkage in the pride department. You won't lose your place by making space for others. "Humility means thinking of myself less, not thinking less of myself." (CS Lewis)  

1. Jesus is the #1 essential priority and means to accomplish the outcomes we long for.  Jesus, (not Christianity or even organized religion) ALWAYS enhances justice, a sense of belonging and wisdom of how to respond to the demands of people. Proverbs states that 'the fear of the Lord (awareness of God’s rule) is the beginning of wisdom.' All skills, EQ, CQ, and straightening out history do not replace Jesus, or but can be added to us as wisdom. There is no other gospel or good news that saves. There is no lasting, saving movement other than Jesus. Jesus encompasses and empowers movements, if He is in it. Even if American church falls far short of the bar of the Kingdom of God's perfect aims and priorities (orphans, widows, justice, equality, etc) Jesus still is the way, the truth, the life needed and the good news to ALL people.

Share what would some of your takeaways be? Which are the same? Which are unique different to your life? I will create a new post based on comments and messages from your 2020 takeaways.

In our story, to God be the glory. 2020 is HISTORY (his-story) and 2021 is a mystery to be discovered.   -Jeff-

Why I Mysteriously Stopped Journaling

I was the guy that claimed that 'I don't do that journaling/dear diary stuff.' Perhaps because it felt unmanly or messed with my ADHD. Then, after both my kids were born, and I was given a journal at a Young Life conference in 2008, which jolted my journaling journey. 

I have at least 15 filled, bible reading journals saved from past times of reading and reflecting. Its my morning 'PBJ' (prayer bible journal, as my church 'Life Center' calls it.) 

AND, if you've ever actually seen me journaling, it is with a black Strathmore sketch book (no lines or I'll die!) or Moleskine book. I have filled 4 of those. These are my most precious life possessions. If a fire broke out in my house, sorry dogs and fancy stuff, I'm grabbing those journals. My life journey WITH God and outflow of my soul is in there. My best and most outrageous ideas are in there. My counseling sessions with Marty Folsom and inspired notes from vacations, conferences and solitudes are in there. Sometimes, when I break out my journal, some long time friends and former YL kids/leaders will make a 'aaaahhhh' sound if I break out the journal to pen something while we meet. Clearly, its my jammy jam.

In 2020, journaling has been my most solid place to hold tension, grapple with loss and fear, process racism and how sexual ethics relate to Christ-centered leadership yet also the mandate to love all people always. Journaling has been where my lamenting of pain takes place, the loss of my brother unfolds, where my messy feelings unleash amidst COVID and my kid's unfettered anxiety, and where I reground myself in gratitude to alter my outlook. So, why would I stop?

On September 20th, I was at Suncadia for my cancelled regional auction which repurposed into a great mini getaway. I sat out to pray and journal, staring at one of my favorite backdrops God has blessed me to see in Cle Elum (see pic to the left). I wrote out a prayer for strength in the coming season. I wrote prayers for my YL staff and kids by name. Then, God whispered to me something unexpected. "I want you to give up journaling." Do you ever hear God direct something to you and you immediately have the urge to pretend that you didn't just hear it? Or, rationalize and convince yourself that it was just your super ego or random thoughts that lead to threatening your comfort and control? That was ME in that moment. I noticed that I was trying to push away thoughts that were unmistakenly air-dropped into my mind, as from Jesus' iPhone. And the words were so weighty, that my shifty striving to scour myself of the stout statement further proved its holiness and the obvious address of the sender. 

I stopped my mental shiftiness and engaged with God in that moment, addressing the Holy Spirit: "Umm, why would I stop doing the ONE thing that is carrying me through this heavy season?" As I asked that question, I laughed out loud at the answer which seemingly flowed straight into my mind like Kona coffee through a perc filter as I even voiced my doubtful question. God answered me immediately, almost interrupting my question, "Listen to your question, there's the answer. Your journal has replaced me. Come to ME with your burden, with your heaviness, with your lament, with your requests, with your unresolved tension. You have come to write all that into your journal, set it down, and then move on, I want to carry all this with you, not for you to write it down and call it good."

Now, I recognize that I just quoted God. Honestly, I have retold this numerous times to close friends and am doing my damndest to reply what I received. Yes, I have been known to embellish a story or two. I honestly, faithully am sharing it as it came to me. 

Then, as I received this unexpected invitation by God to give up journaling, I dared to ask "When or how long do I give journaling up for? Like, now?" The answer, again, had me reasoning and doubting my own ability to get out of my Freudian, monkey brain space. I say this with humility and honesty. God said, "September 29th." I thought about trying to push that oddly specific reply away, concluding that I have clearly lost control of my mind. But, as I have learned to do when listening to God after asking him to speak...I just went with it and gave up journaling until further notice. 

Wanna hear something freaky? Of course you do. Tanya and I were having a delightful dinner with Mike and Lisa Fairburn in Spokane, dear friends, YL supporters and mentors of ours. As we shared, Lisa veered off the conversation and emphasized a point that caught my attention. She articulated how God has led her to pray every morning in her prayer closet as her first thing of the day, before coffee, before anything, and used the phrases 'I realized that I need to come to him with my burdens, tension, heaviness and requests, rather than leaning on anyone or anything else.' (Hint: there were the same words from God to me, inviting me deeper.) Stunned, I asked Tanya, 'hold on, what day is it?'  She said 'September 29th, why?' I laughed again, and had to explain to three confused dinner mates that God prompted me to give up journaling and lean deeper into him, on, yep, September 29th, so that He could reinforce his message through Lisa as she shared her deeper invitation into prayer. Is that freaky or is that holy?

Since discontinuing journaling, my prayer life has deepened like quads after months of heavy squats. I have found myself more free, honest and i get to what my soul is authentically longing for, rather than the rut I did not realize I had fallen into often in journaling of sometimes scratching with my soul didn't itch. Also, instead of journaling in the mornings, Tanya and I  have been reading together and verbally processing scripture and commentaries out loud, together. This is rare for us, yet has been among the most refreshing times of reading I can remember (even with Job, Hosea and Revelation that have been in the unfortunate reading plan lately.) 

What has God whispered to you? Have you brushed it away or received it? And if you're received it, have you obeyed the voice of God? "He who has my commands and obeys them, he/she is the one who loves me. And he/she who loves me is loved by my Father and I too will love them and show myself to them." John 14:21. Listen, obey, and let God lead the way, eh? 

Not Rushin' God

In June, I was asked to consider applying for the Senior Vice President position for the Young Life over the Former Soviet Union division.  Last year, I was asked to apply back in August last year when it opened, yet it was an easy 'no' as a 'move' to Ukraine or the Baltic states was required. The requirement to move was no longer required when this job opened again, thus I was asked again.

From the day I was asked to apply, life got complicated. That next week, George Floyd's death on top of many others unjustly taken, sparked worldwide racial outrage beyond anything we've seen. A week later, my brother died, which sent my life into a daze. DoBetterYL hit in a third crashing wave and it took me a month to have the head space to consider seeking counsel and even filling out the application. I ran it by a few people and decided that I did not want to let fear stop me from stepping out and trusting that God would lead, protect and open and close doors. So I did.

Do you ever hesitate to pray, listen, step out, speak up or say yes to something because you are nervous of what would actually happen if God moved you forward into it? That was me! It was so uncomfortable to think about taking on something so incredibly different, so far from home, so complex, traveling so much, and without the incredible team I love serving with here.

Before applying, I laid a fleece before the Lord (a reference in the Book of Judges with Gideon.) That was, If I apply, Dietrich would have to fully support this decision. Fat chance, right? After the depression that hit when we moved to Spokane, it was highly unlikely he would go for this transcontinental leadership position. So, I labored to get a clear year-long schedule of what this job would look like, how many days away, how many days home.  And do the same for my current job. So I did, and I printed them out, and laid the two calendars on the table and let Dietrich look at it, ask questions, and ultimately decide. And so he did.

 

After poking and prodding, he recognized the blue and yellow lengths of time away, yet also the numerous, white blocks of time that I would be home. His question and observations pierced me. "So, I see you'd be away a lot. That's fine, we do just fine when you're gone. But, when you're home, would you REALLY be home? Because that is what I don't like; when you're home and also working, calling, texting and not really here for me." I told him that I gathered that I would be much more present with this new role since. "So, yeah, I am totally good with this job if you're more  home when you're home."

Wow. I was both stunned, convicted and overwhelmed with clarity from his response. Tanya and I had prayed that the Lord would speak to us in this process, yet little did I know HOW and what the Lord would speak. It wasn't about a 'stay' or 'go,' the word God gave me was about my son, and work/home life boundaries and presence. All those times scrolling, texting, emailing...he noticed. He hardly ever said anything but inside, it has all communicated an unintended message that I was not fully there with and for him.

After two interviews that went very well, another person was chosen for the SVP job. My Russian skills will continue to sit on the shelf and collect more dust, and the time and season that the Lord clearly has me in here is confirmed to be exactly where I should be. And the word God spoke to me wasn't about a job afterall. The courage to engage in a process revealed a much more valuable message that I had not expected. To be home when I'm home, and that my son wants me to be with Him. That was all SO worth it.