Our family was in the midst of a heavy weight fight. The battle was not against each other, it was against the heavy weight slugger, depression.
In the days, weeks and months after our Feb 2016 move from Everett to Spokane, our 9 year old son Dietrich fell apart. 6 months before the move we prayed every day for 2-3 months as we considered moving to take on the regional director position in the Inland NW, in what seemed clear that God had been inviting us to pursue. Yet right after we moved, it was as though it was Good Friday, it felt like pain, loss, death and separation. A move is always hard, for everyone, but for this little guy, something was unearthed inside him. A dark depression that no words, advice, diversions, toys, good talks, or even visits back to Everett was able to soothe. There was no Easter Sunday a few days, weeks, months or even year, into this emotional bout with depression. Have you had an experience that seemed like God became silent or appeared to have hidden himself? Or seemed asleep in the boat during a storm? I have shared scenes from the gospels with almost ten thousand (not all at once) young people about trusting Jesus is able and present, even in the midst of a storm or a silent battle like the woman subject to a bleeding disorder, a paralyzed man in need of healing or even a son who dishonored his father and needed forgiveness. Yet, here I was, no better off than any 'kid' looking for hope. I needed hope for my good Friday that spanned 2016 AND 2017. More like Good FriYEAR.
April 2nd last year was the low point. Of all days, it was Easter. Going to church was a fiasco. A lot of the internal resistance that he experienced through the filter of depression was 'we already had a great church, why accept a new church?' And the same line of logic for friends, a small group, school, etc. After a rough day battling through church, a neighborhood easter egg hunt and meal at a friend's house, we ended up taking him to the emergency room for what I determined was a level of mental illness that seemed beyond depression, and became out of control. We gained no clarity that day but instead entrenched ourselves deeper in a painful pit of despair. That week Dietrich began shutting me out of his life. In fact, during a two month period of time, he did not speak to or acknowledge my existence in our own home for almost every day, including 37 days in a row.
Yet, as Tanya likes to say, God has a big BUT. He always does. We felt helpless and began to feel hopeless....BUT...Easter Sunday came. Although it was a year and a half later, not three days later. After Tanya and I, through counseling, learned how to unconditionally love and even empower Dietrich through this dark year of the soul, our resistance against his resistance subsided. After countless people prayed, after a miraculous opening (on April 3rd, when we called around and the earliest appointment was mid-October!!!) with a psychiatrist to diagnose and begin anti-depressants, and the support of family, the hope and promise of resurrection still shone through. June 8th, 2017 was Easter....Tuesday. The stone of separation between he and I was rolled away. Depression is still lurking in the background, but not as a current contender in the boxing ring. Dietrich is risen. Jesus is risen. Our family is rising. New friendships have been formed deeply, school and learning are slowly being restored, we do church together without resistance, and WE operate as a family again.
Last week, we had one last meeting with our counselor. Dietrich fired him. Or as our counselor put it, he 'graduated.' In order to stop going, we had previously all agreed that he needed to be able to score a 4 or higher a on a scale from 1-5, in 5 pivotal categories, showing he is well-adjusted. School and homework passed...barely. But friends and his relationship with me received a 5. Not bad from my previous score of ZERO.
Dark days, months and years still can best be defined for their hope and future, rather than being defined by their present reality. I learned to mourn, lament, and seek help and increase awareness with my own soul of how to love unconditionally and believe without seeing. My mentor and counselor, Marty Folsom, kept asking me, who it is that loved YOU before you loved HIM? (See Romans 5:7-8) How has the 'Father' demonstrated his love for us while I ignored Him, shut him out (my 13 years is longer than Dietrich's 37 days where he acted as thought I was not there) life. "We love because He first loved us." (1John4:19) And because He lives, I can face tomorrow...day...and every day. Because Jesus is risen, and has given us the Holy Spirit to cheer and to guide, we can say that God is for us, with us, has gone before us, comes behind us, He is above and below me, and can take our darkest day and with his light, reveal that He makes all thing new. For me, D and for you!
-Jeff-
