Yellowstone vs Depression

Three times our family has attempted a trip to Yellowstone. Three times the plan was cancelled. Once because of the park closure due to COVID, and two times we called it off due to the miserable, dark clouds that covered Dietrich amidst his storm of depression. We could not imagine 16 hours in a car together with those tempestuous gusts and waves of sadness and misery. Depression is an unreasonable killjoy. The experience of awe and wonder of Yellowstone's vast beauty and thermal majesty is no match for the relentless brutality of raw depression. 

The Dogs and Dietrich Wait In the Car

As a family we had experienced almost complete freedom from Dietrich's depression since 2017, other than a few random geyser blasts of sadness and mud pot bubbling of powerlessness. We felt like it was time to go for it Memorial Day Weekend. We had been preparing meticulously for this 4th attempt at Yellowstone. I sent the kids postcards of bison herds, videos of geysers and glacier lakes and we aimed to empower through anticipation. Then we loaded up and headed out on i-90, and our nemesis emerged like an unexpected squall over the Sea of Galilee. The storm arose first with laborous breathing, convulsing pulsating cries followed by showers of tears. That nagging feeling of 'oh, no, not again, not NOW!' Flooded the minds of Tanya, Janna and I. At dinner in Missoula, he buried his head into his folded arms at the restaurant table, sobbing uncontrollably, feeling trapped and against his will to be on this trip. 

My mind, overwhelmed with anger, disappointment and feeling as though my dream family trip was being stolen before my eyes, defaulted to want to seize control of this storm and force my way and stop this. Yet, wisdom spoke inside Tanya and me with that Holy Spirit inspired, still-small-voice that reminded us that we had already learned this lesson. The words 'empower', 'enter in his darkness with him ', 'unconditionally love your son' and 'be with him in this' guided us along to not try to overpower and force our way against depression. We listened, prayed, went for a walk, played and laughed with our dogs we brought on the trip, told stories, and prayed again. And as it always, eventually does, the tempest subsided. Thankfully, depression never emerged again on this trip. That was all she wrote. We overcame our controlling, reactive emotional defaults and chose the better way we had learned. Why is it so hard to be overcome by emotional reactions in stormy moments rather than choose love, joy, peace, patience, gentleness and self control? Ah, how beautiful and majestic is God's presence in the eye of storms. "Who is this that even the winds and the waves obey Him?" (Mark 4:41.)

According to Dr Marty Folsom, an expert in family systems therapy, overall spiritual/relational health,  masterfully defines depression as 'a sense of powerlessness to be or do what once wants to be or do.' Tanya and I learned from Dr Marty, while trudging through the valley of the shadow of death with Dietrich in his lowest times, that the way through depression was not attempting to control or overpower the one who suffers from it, but seeking to unconditionally love and empower that person. Even when the one who suffers seems to try to pull others into the darkness and chaos, the counter-intuitive approach is to enter into the dark clouds with them, sort through the irrational logic and betraying feelings together, and patiently seek the elusive rays of hope side by side.

Friends, though the clouds, downpours of rain and gale force winds of mental unhealth surround us, especially in this semi-Post-COVID season, remember that we are not alone. God is in the boat with us. He is able. Will you react in fear and anger, or call out to him? Will you jump ship and give up hope, or learn a deeper sense of trust in the One who has a 3rd way in storms, that actually informs how we navigate EVERY kind of storm in life. "We are hard pressed on every side, but but not crushed. We are perplexed, but not in despair. We are struck down but not destroyed...through suffering we share in the death of Jesus so that the life of Jesus may be seen." Life and mental health can be hard, but with Jesus, we can do this. He is our living, active, able hope.